


Just Touch My Cheek Before You Leave Me

by Monty_Fromage (orphan_account)



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Attempted Suicide, Depression, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Substance Abuse, Underage Drinking, natural progression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-12
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2019-04-21 18:43:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14291055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Monty_Fromage
Summary: Unable to tolerate his stressful and struggling existence, Evan Hansen works up the courage to end it all. No one misses that isn't noticed anyway. Meanwhile, Connor Murphy's reckless life choices are only fueled by an overbearing father dissatisfied with a son ruining the image of a 'picture perfect' upper middle class family. It's the people we often least expect to stumble into our lives and make a difference. Sometimes all it takes is a sympathetic ear and shoulder to lean.So I haven't written in a very long time, this is probably going to be trite and horribly be written, so please be patient with me! Since the release of the DEH soundtrack, it has touched my life in so many ways and helped through so many dark periods of my life. So I want to make art to share that may touch one person.





	1. Martyr Without a Cause

**Author's Note:**

> Back into the swing of things! My goal is to update at least once a week, but if there are times I fall behind, please forgive me in advance. I would like to open by apologizing for the shortness of the prologue. Chapters to come will be lengthier! Kudos are appreciated and comments, critiques, etc. are deeply appreciated. Thank you for joining me on this wild ride and I only hope you come to appreciate the story as it unfolds.
> 
> Also, in no way is this fic meant to romanticize or condone suicide, self-mutilation, substance abuse, mental illness, or any of the like! A lot of this is coming from personal experience and I am here to tell you, the battle is long, the battle is hard, but if you ever feel alone or like you're standing on the edge, please call a friend, call a relative, call an acquaintance, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. Just know you are loved and you are wanted.

**And now you're trembling on a rocky ledge**  
**Staring down into a heartless sea**  
**Can't face life on a razor's edge**  
**Nothing’s what you thought it would be**

* * *

**Prologue**  
**Martyr Without a Cause  
**

_Dear Evan Hansen,_  
  
_Today is going to be a good day, and here’s why. Because today, you’re learning to let go…_  
  
_No! That’s not it!_ The young man cursed inwardly. As his finger slammed down the backspace key, jolts of pain shot through the cast-wrapped arm. He stared at the blank document on his computer screen contemplating where to begin. A deep breath and he began to type once more.  
  
_Dear Evan Hansen,_  
  
_Today is going to be a good day, and here’s why. Today I started my senior year of high school. It all started with my mother. I rarely get to see her anymore. Well, I haven’t got to spend much time with her in the last ten years after my father walked out. I read a statistic that single-parent homes can double the likelihood of a child to commit suicide. Does that mean I will inevitably be nothing more than a statistic? A face lost among a sea of others? Still she works and she works and she works, but to no end. My whole life has been one anchor dragging her down further and she struggles to find some sense of stability. Her one and only son can’t even be afforded a modicum of time. Of course she’s too busy to see my struggles._  
  
“Evan, get up sleepy head! It’s the first day of a new year! Your final year! Just smile and be optimistic and you’ll see things aren’t as bad as they seem!” As Evan was roused from his slumber, his mother’s forced cheeriness was all too apparent. It wasn’t too difficult to see beyond the facade.  
  
“Y-yeah, yeah, mom. One last y-year of, uh, nervous and-and empty smiles, living the wallflower life…” he managed a shrug before struggling to slide on his favourite blue-and-white striped polo.  
  
“Come on, Evan! Just keep writing those letters to help boost your confidence and get some classmates to sign your cast! It’s going to be great!” Her bubbly, happy demeanour melted away for a moment though. “And Evan, I saw the food money still on the fridge when I got home this morning. You need to eat!”  
  
“I-I know, mom, I’m-”  
  
“Oh no! I have to be at work in five minutes. I love you honey and sorry I can’t see you off on your first day! Do your best, I know you will!”  
  
She was gone before he could do or say anything. He managed to down a piece of toast and a glass of juice before he slung his backpack over his shoulder and headed out the door. Prepared for what was going to be a less than noteworthy day.  
  
To make matters worse, I later started off the first hour of my final year on the wrong foot. Is there a right one? My ‘best friend’ Jared needlessly started a fight and I suffered the consequences.  
  
His mind began to drift to earlier that day. They were standing in the hallway; he and Jared. Jared was ribbing him for having broke his arm over the summer. He also brought up their friendship; well, the lack thereof. It was only a means to an end. At least that’s what Jared said. Evan knew that underneath the crass and contemptible exterior, Jared was just as insecure and fragile. Yet it still hurt when Jared reminded him they just pretended friendship so his parents would continue to pay his car insurance. Then enter Connor Murphy.  
  
“Nice hair, Connor! It completes the school shooter ensemble!” Jared’s ability to be a sarcastic jerk at the most inopportune times.  
  
Connor spun on his heels, staring Jared down from across the hall, “The fuck did you say, Kleinman? Was that supposed to be funny?”  
  
“Oh my God, you’re such a freak,” Jared smugly responded, unable to drop the issue and let it be. Evan buried his face in his locker, wanting to find some escape from the rapidly escalating conflict. That’s when he felt a hand on his shoulder yank him from the safety of his locker.  
  
“What the fuck are you laughing? STOP FUCKING LAUGHING AT ME!” Connor gripped each of Evan’s shoulders, the volume of his voice rose with each word. Evan’s gaze fell to the tile floor. He shuffled his feet nervously, unable to bring his gaze up to face Connor.  
  
“Oh, um, no, I-I wasn’t laughing at you. Not l-laughing-” Evan managed to mumble out before being interrupted.  
  
“YOU’RE THE FUCKING FREAK!” Connor exclaimed as he shoved Evan. The young man went stumbling backwards into the lockers and left sprawled out on the floor.  
  
_Has the last decade of my life since my father left just been culminating to this? Or has this been what my entire life has built up to? The frustration, the paranoia, the anxiety, the fear. This is no way to live. Having to do this stupid assignment of writing letters to myself._  
  
His finger reached up to delete all he had written once more, but he consciously read and reread the content of the letter. As he did, a shaky hand reached into his backpack and withdrew his bottle of pills. He slowly rotated the bottle in his good hand as he continued looking over the letter. The weight of the day, the past week, the past month, the past year, the past decade, it all came crashing down at once. Laying the bottle next to him in the grass, he commenced his typing once more.  
  
_I am the sum of my experiences. That includes everything I never did and never achieved. That is why this correspondence will be my final. It is time to step off the stage for a costume change. Maybe I won’t mess it up too much next time._  
  
_Sincerely,_  
_Me._  
  
Shakily, Evan placed the laptop back in his backpack and lifted up the pill bottle once more. How many would it take? Should he try to take them all at once or individually? _I should have thought this through better and brought something to drink_ , he mentally scolded himself. Unwilling to hold off the inevitable any longer, he reclined against the tree. The very same oak tree he had fallen out of just two months prior.  
  
He uncapped the bottle of pills and gazed at the little round blankets of emotional insulation. They rob life of all sentiment in the name of making life more bearable. He pours most of the bottle into his free hand. A pharmaceutical cascade. He began to mentally count as he took them. _One, two, three…_ Each pill went down more difficult than the last and fear began to set in. _Seventeen, eighteen, nineteen…_ There was no backing out now. He had to continue. Past the point of no return. _Thirty…_  
  
The pills were gone. There was little left to do except wait. Tick, tock, tick, tock. His heartbeat began to speed up, it raced faster and faster. Tick, tock, tick tock. His vision began to blur and a feeling of confusion overcame him. Where was he? What was happening? Tick, tock, tick, tock. Right, it would be over soon. All of this would be over… Soon.  
  
Everything went black for Evan. He wasn’t even aware the dizziness caused his slouched form to fall onto his side. He lay there in the grass. Alone. Alone we are born and alone we must die.


	2. Just Surviving Is A Noble Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor's hand is forced as news spreads through the school. He has to evaluate himself as an individual. It's easy to lie to others, but you can't run away from who you are at your core forever. Home life isn't great either though. What hope can a seventeen-year-old boy have?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly surprised to be cranking out chapter one this quickly. Worked on it double time though to get it out to you guys. This gives me time over the weekend to go over the prologue and first chapter and go through the editing process. It's really embarrassing to have done this, but both of these are raw versions without any editing done. I just get so excited with sharing this with you all!
> 
> Once again, I do not condone the consumption of any illegal substances or the use of tobacco products while underage!

**Yes there's always a place for the angry young man** ****  
**With his working class ties and his radical plans** ****  
**He refuses to bend he refuses to crawl** ****  
**And he's always at home with his back to the wall** ****  
**And he's proud of his scars and the battles he's lost** ****  
**And he struggles and bleeds as he hangs on his cross** ****  
**And he likes to be known as the angry young  
**

* * *

  
Chapter One  
 **I Find That Just Surviving Is A Noble Fight  
**

Connor laid on his bed, reflecting over the events of the day. _One down, one-hundred-seventy-nine to go_ , he groaned at the notion. He snaked an arm down the side of his bed and reached under the mattress. His heart nearly stopped for a moment. Reaching just a little further, he found what he was afraid had been discovered. _My dearest friend._ He withdrew the small bag. The all too familiar Zip-lock sandwich bag loaded with his stash of cannabis.  
  
This was the incentive needed for Connor to find the strength to drag himself from bed and lock the door to his bedroom. A few moments later he was sitting on the window sill of his bedroom, gazing out at the meticulously maintained backyard. Every planter and flower had their place. Not a blade of grass was out of line. Pink carnations lined the deck that ran the length of the house. The flowers were a stark contrast from the dark wood. They were his mother's favourite flowers.  
  
Lost in a brief moment of rage, Connor kicked the roof of the deck under his foot. “Fuck,” he exclaimed a little louder than he intended. He brought the joint to his lips and inhaled deeply.  
  
“Connor?” a timid voice asked from the other side of his bedroom door. “Is everything alright, Connor?”  
  
_Shit!_ “Everything's as fine as it can be!” he all but spat back. There were several moments of silent. He slowly exhaled the cloud of smoke from his lungs.  
  
“Oh, okay,” it sounded like his mother mumbled followed by the sound of her footsteps back down the hall and stairs.  
  
He took a draw off the joint once more. The harsh throat hit and burning sensation in the lungs had become a reassuring and familiar feeling to him. Even better was the feeling that soon came. Everything in his brain seemed to slow. Thoughts, anxiety, stress, anger, depression, it all slowly washed away and left him with a slight feeling of euphoria and lightheadedness. He didn't realize his free hand had been balled into a fist until he unclenched it and let out a sigh. His shoulders relaxed.  
  
Where did things go wrong? When did things go wrong? He and Zoe were inseparable as children. She begged to join him on his first day Kindergarten. She didn't understand she would start school the following year. His mother was happier, she didn't have to struggle to maintain some semblance of peace. Larry was not always Larry. At one point, Larry was his father, but that was a different time for different people. Who was he kidding? He missed those people.  
  
Now? Now he and Zoe were at each other's throats every time they were remotely near each other. Now his mother sacrificed her mental health and energy to try to be the adhesive that held the family together. Larry was too interested in showing the world they were the perfect family and he would be damned before he would let Connor ruin that. The pothead, deadbeat, failure of a son that would be just as okay with dropping out of school than suffering another day of humiliation and mockery.  
  
_Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale._ The cycle continued as it always did and always would. Even if underneath it all, he knew that there was still the fractured, broken person. The person he chose not to acknowledge. Behind the rough, harsh exterior was a timid, shy, and scared person not even worth getting to know. His family proved that enough. That's when his thoughts were immediately interrupted by a fist beating on his door.  
  
“Connor! Open the damn door!” Zoe's barked at him.  
  
“Chill the fuck out, Zoe,” Connor shouted back at her, his rage and anger bubbled back to the surface. He slid the bag under the mattress and flung open his bedroom door. “Now what hell is your problem?!”  
  
“I saw what you did in the hall, Connor. Half of the student body did, you ass! Why did you shove him?” Determined to not let her brother prematurely end the conversation, she shoved past him and stared him down, arms akimbo.  
  
“Look, I realize I-”  
  
“What the hell is that smell? Is that pot? Dad is going to throttle you.” Before he could admit his mistake, he was cut short. That he was at fault. He messed up. He directed his anger at an innocent bystander of the confrontation. She had just baited him and he realized that, but that didn’t stop him from raising a fist. Taking the hint Zoe darted out of Connor’s room, slamming the door behind her and leaving him in silence once more.  
  
He took a seat at his desk. In the bottom of a drawer he withdrew a notebook and pulled it out. He flipped through it, ink covered pages passed by too quickly to read. Finally he reached a blank sheet of paper and broke the silence with the sound of pen on paper. His hand began to move furiously and quickly, as if the very words he scribbled out would leave him at any moment. Connor stopped a few times to scratch out a word or line before finally setting down the pen to look at his newest work.  
  
_If I could rip my heart from my chest,  
Seal it away under lock and key  
Hide it away, out of sight, out of mind,  
I wonder, would it set me free?  
Cut it out  
  
Put it in a box  
Behind wood and metal  
And complex locks  
Never again to look inside  
Better still, to run and hide  
  
_ T _o never feel, both blessing and curse_  
Free from pain, free from dreams  
Free from hope, and cruel schemes  
Would everything then be as it seems?  
  
No more loneliness  
No more desire  
No more inner warmth

 _From a fickle fire_  
_What would it mean  
To be completely free?  
Would I be numb or cold  
Or even still be me?  
  
_ He wouldn't let anyone know, but over the summer he had developed a fondness of writing poetry. He lacked the eloquent, flowery language of the famous poets, but it was oddly satisfying. That was all that mattered, right? It was good enough for him. Alas, the Muses were not kind. They only chose to grant their blessings when emotions were at their extremes. Extremely angry, extremely sad, so on and so forth.  
  
“I'm home,” the muffled voice of his father seemed to resonate through the house.  
  
Hoping for a quasi-peaceful evening at home was out of question, courtesy of his sister. Now if only his father would leave him be.  
  
“Connor,” came Larry’s voice.  
  
_Shit._ This was it. His nails jabbed into the palms of his hands. It wasn't going to go well and would only get worse if Larry came into his room. His smoking habits were bad enough, but if Larry knew he did them in the house? Where the neighbours might see? He begrudgingly left the safety of his room and stood on the landing atop the stairs.  
  
“Connor, kitchen now. We need to talk.”  
  
With a roll of his eyes, he started down the stairs. With each step his heart beat a little faster and his anger was reaching boiling point. His mother sat at her usual spot at the dinner table. Larry stood behind her, his disapproving look barely hid the rage that lay behind his eyes.  
  
“Your school called me at work today. It seems you had a physical altercation with a fellow student. Why Connor? Why would you do this? It's only the first day of your senior year and this is how you choose to start it? Then you disappear after lunch? What were you thinking? Do you want to have any prospects for college?”  
  
“Oh, excuse me, Larry. I didn't mean to put a blemish on the Murphy family name. Lest the beloved daughter be grouped in with my ilk. As for college, you don't have to rush me out the door yet. I guarantee you this, I'll be out of your hair soon enough and you can have some semblance of normality.” His face had turned red and as he spoke his mother moved her hand on top of Larry’s. It wasn't enough to stop his father or calm him down.  
  
“Where the hell did you learn to be this way? What happened to you Connor? What happened to the little boy that was ecstatic to go to the office with dad and wanted to play catch?”  
  
“He's gone and instead you’re stuck with me! So learn to deal with it!”  
  
“Go to your room. Consider yourself grounded. Maybe without the luxury of all the technology your mother and I bought for you, you ingrate, you'll have time to change your piss poor attitude! Now, damn it!” With each word the volume of his father’s voice increased.  
  
As Connor stormed out of the dining room his mother mumble, “Larry…”  
  
“Damn it, Cynthia! I try to be civil with him, but he is determined that peaceful negotiations aren't an option. So I will get on a level he can understand at the very least.”  
  
With a slam, Connor was in his bedroom once more. Best case scenario, his mother would come to collect his car key and mobile phone later.  
  
“Oh, and I expect a sincere apology to the young man you attacked!” Larry’s voice boomed from the base of the stairs.  
  
Connor muttered angrily to himself. He just wanted to punch something. Someone. Larry would be a good start. He would never fit in the perfect family portrait with his shoulder length hair, dark clothes, and nails painted black.  
  
After changing out of his clothes, he curled up on his bed and stared blankly at his phone screen. Nothing seemed very appealing right now. Nothing ever did. After rolling the events of the day in his head several times, sleep finally found him.  
  
“Get your ass up, Connor! I will not let you make me late to school! Drag yourself out of bed if you have to, I don't care!”  
  
Grumbling softly to himself, Connor watched his sister leave his room. Only then did he manage to pull himself from bed and look at the time. They had more than enough time to make it to school reasonably early. As he looked to his dresser, his phone and keys were missing. Well, at least his father always made good on his promises. Still furious with his sister, he opted to take his time getting ready, then an extra thirty minutes just to smoke. _Payback is such a bitch sometimes, isn't it?  
  
_ “I understand you're upset, Zoe honey. That doesn't mean you should talk to your brother like that. He had a hard enough time with your father and not having any friends at school.”  
  
“That's not my fault, mom, he does it to himself. It's his fault!” his sister’s voice reflected her exasperation.  
  
All conversation ceased as soon as he entered the dining room. Breakfast was at least enjoyed in silence. As was the car ride to school. It was a rare blessing, but one greatly appreciate. It wasn't until Zoe pulled into the parking lot did she break the silence.  
  
“You had better apologize to Evan. The kid looked mortified the rest of the day.”  
  
“Why,” he started, “the fuck do you even give two shits about some kid you've never noticed before?”  
  
“Damn it, Connor! For once in your life, put yourself in someone else’s shoes! Try to be a decent person instead of a brooding asshole!”  
  
“That's easy coming from the pretty princess of the house. It must hurt your neck to have to look down on the filth and shit like me from your throne on high!”  
  
As the car came to a stop, Connor jumped out to get away from his sister. Within seconds, Zoe closed the distance between them and she grabbed his arm. He defensively spun around, staring Zoe down.  
  
“Look, Connor, don't show your ass out here. All I ask is be nice to the kid and apologize. You don't have to fall on your knees before him, you don't have to be the best of friends.”  
  
With that, she strolled past him into the school. Sliding his hands into the pockets of his hoodie, he too headed in. She wasn't wrong. Hansen deserved an apology. Not that it would soon matter. The world would be much better without him and he had consigned himself to this fate. His father could have the perfect family, his mother wouldn’t be so stressed, and his sister, well, she would be relieved if nothing else.  
  
Between classes, Connor would wait near Hansen’s locker, hoping to encounter the other young man to apologize. Evan was nowhere to be found. By lunchtime, Connor peered into the library. He had seen him hide in there before during lunch. Alas, it was to no avail. He had stuck around for most of the damn school day. This kid was better at avoiding people than originally imagined. It was during the break before final class Zoe approached him.  
  
“Looks like you lucked out, Evan didn’t show up for class today.”  
  
“Oh, that’s a pity,” Connor sarcastically responded with a roll of the eyes. It was ridiculous to make such a big deal over just one kid. How many fights had he been in before? How many of those fights were instigated by his anger?  
  
“CONNOR! Now is not the time to be an insensitive prick! Something seriously could have happened to him!”  
  
“Zoe, I’m sure he’s just shaken up and taking a day off. He’s a senior too and maybe the Senioritis bug bit him already and just didn’t feel like showing up. So back off.” Connor threw up his arms in mock surrender.  
  
“CONNOR MURPHY!” Jared stormed down the hallway towards him and his sister. “Hope you’re happy! Evan is currently at the hospital because he tried to take his own life! What the hell were you thinking yesterday?”  
  
“It’s not my fault. He chose to do it,” Connor casually shrugged. _Shit.  
  
_ “Evan didn’t do a damn thing to you and you lashed out at him. Having the school shooter shove you around and get in your face is always nice, because he doesn’t have enough problems!” Jared was trembling now.  
  
Before Jared could continue speaking or Connor offer an unconcerned response, Zoe slapped Connor. The three of them stood there in complete and utter shock. The red imprint of her hand had already started to form on Connor’s cheek. Jared stood there, mouth agape. Connor just chuckled. He didn’t know what else to do.  
  
“So, sis, you DO have some bark to your bite.”  
  
“Dammit, Connor! Do you not understand the situation? One of your classmates could be dead right now. Why is it so hard for you to show a little concern? A little sympathy? You can’t even acknowledge that you may have been part of the problem. Who’s the one that truly sits upon the throne on high?”  
  
_What have I done..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title and opening lyrics of this chapter come from Billy Joel's "Angry Young Man" (Turnstiles).
> 
> The poem Connor writes is one of my original works. Based on what you, the reader thinks, I may incorporate more of these pieces into the story as it progresses. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading!
> 
> While on the subject of Connor, I can't help but feel that in my effort to show his internal struggles it came off poorly written. If you feel the same way, do not hesitate to let me know so when I start editing this weekend I can mend the problem appropriately! Also, criticisms are welcome! I may be rusty, but the only way to improve is through flaws and mistakes.


	3. Would You Like to go to Heaven Tonight?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan awakes in a strange place and worse even is visited by a strange face. Life isn't always easy, but that's just part of the process. Learning that not everything can be fixed with a pill, but it can be coped with. Especially with someone that understands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep saying that I'm going to fix the prologue and first chapter. >_< I will, I swear it! Until then though, I wanted to go ahead and give you guys this for the time being!
> 
> Also, because you guys are the consumer of this work, your opinions and thoughts are taken seriously! With that being said, how do you feel about point-of-view shifts within a chapter? Like doing the first half as Evan, the second half as Connor? Or would you prefer it alternate each chapter between Evan and Connor? Or would you prefer it just being Evan's POV the whole story?

**They've got this place  
** **Where they've been keeping me**  
**Where I can't hurt myself**  
**I just can't**  
**I just can't get these damn wrists to bleed**

* * *

  
**Chapter Two**  
**Would You Like to Go to Heaven Tonight?**

   
 _Beep. Beep. Beep._ Evan was a stirred from his sleep by the slow, steady beat of the electrocardiogram machine. _Beep. Beep. Beep._ He was laying on his back, his body blanketed by an itchy sheet. His eyes started to flutter open, he was greeted with blinding lights. _Beep. Beep. Beep.  
  
_ Consciousness and coherency finally shrugged off the bleary grogginess of sleep. He brought up his right arm to rub at his eyes. As his vision focused he was greeted with the off white coloured walls, the sterile smells, and the occasional female voice coming over a pager.  
  
“Evan?” His attention turned to where the voice came from. Jared was slouched in the hospital room armchair. He was peeking at Evan from behind laptop screen.  
  
“Uh-”  
  
“Evan, if you ever do something like that again, I will personally break your other arm so you can't. I came to relieve your mom because she hasn't slept since she got the news. She has been sitting here with you between shifts.”  
  
“Oh, s-sorry for, um, sorry.”  
  
“Well, this stunt earned you a visit from Zoe Murphy. She's quite the looker isn't she? Alana has been blowing my phone up with messages.” After a deep breath, Jared let out a sigh. His stature visibly relaxed. “So, how are you feeling, Acorn?”  
  
“B-been better, um, I supp- I suppose,” Evan sputtered.  
  
“You gave us all a good scare. Why? Just why would you do this to us?” Did Jared look genuinely worried?  
  
“Because I, uh, I don't know. It-it just sort of felt right at, um, you know. Only choice,” the last two words came out quick. Evan chose to focus on a small piece of the wall missing paint.  
  
“Come on, man, you know you're my friend,” Jared said, an undertone of pleading his voice. After several minutes of silence he all but whispered, “My only friend.”  
  
Evan tensed at this confession. What was he supposed to say? What was he supposed to do? Gingerly, he reached over for the pitcher of water on his nightstand, but Jared intercepted.  
  
“Let me help,” his voice soft and quiet as he filled the cup and passed it off to Evan.  
  
“I was, um, was v-very stupid?” it came out as a question, but both knew it was intended as a statement. “Thanks for th-the water.” The cool liquid helped the dryness in his throat, but it didn't help with the lump in his throat. “Wha- How did?”  
  
“You were found by a jogger. They called an ambulance and your mother said that if the medics got there five minutes later, you probably wouldn't have made it. The brain wasn't getting enough oxygen and could have led to permanent damage.” Jared’s expression softened, “You're the smart one between the two of us. We both can't be the dumb friend that makes crass jokes.”  
  
Jared chuckled at his own joke and it elicited a weary, half smile from Evan. The smile felt empty, void, only a facade of what was expected of him. He couldn't bring himself to laugh. Now was not a time for joy or merriment. The coming days would make him wish he had finished what he started.  
  
The two continued to talk for quite some time. It was nearing nine at night and Jared began packing up his textbooks and laptop. He needed to get sleep for class the next day and Evan needed to get rest. It was imperative at this point. He watched on with melancholy as his friend left.  
  
A nurse popped in long enough to ask if Evan had enough strength to eat something. Unable to face her, he just nodded. The food was warm, that was nice. The taste was nothing too memorable or special. Plus, the meat of questionable origin had the consistency of cardboard. As he spooned out the last of the flavourless Jell-o, another head appeared around the ajar door.  
  
 _Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no!_ Evan’s heart rate skyrocketed. _Beep! Beep! Beep!_ The electrocardiogram began to speed up. He looked all around the room for something to hide behind, crawl under, anything!  
  
Then came a seemingly disinterested, “Oh, hey.” Connor stepped into the room. Evan’s response was all the confirmation he needed. He was part of the problem. As he began to speak once again, Evan’s entire body went rigid. “I came to apologize for yesterday.”  
  
“It’s nothi- no, no, no, okay, don’t, sorry.” The words spewed forth from Evan’s mouth. Looking away, he has just noticed three cards sat on the nightstand. Next to them was a book entitled _Forest Giants of the Pacific Coast_. Desperate to divert his attention to something else, anything else, he fumbled for the book before it escaped his grip and fell to the floor.  
  
“You have nothing to apologize for,” Connor mumbled as he slowly moved across the room. “Why even are you apologizing?”  Evan didn't bring his gaze up from the fallen book. Connor’s feet were now in his periphery. The long haired, lanky young man picked up the book, carefully unfolding the bent pages before handing it to Evan. “Here.”  
  
“Um, th-thank you, um, thanks,” Evan stammered with looking up.  
  
“I am sorry for being such an ass to you. I really fucked up big time. Kleinman told me what happened and controlling my anger isn’t exactly my strongest suit. You were there and my anger demanded blood.”  
  
“It’s, um, it's okay. So sorry.” He could feel his heart beating inside his chest. He set the book in his lap and just stared at the cover.  
  
“First off, stop apologizing.” The words came out a bit harshly. He continued on awkwardly, “So, why did you do it?” Connor flopped down in the armchair Jared sat in previously.  
  
“Oh, well, I just, um, y-you know. Sorry, it-it was only option.”  
  
“You have at least one person that cares about you, probably more. Kleinman was ready to attack me, my sister did slap me and demand I come apologize, and what about your parents?” Connor watched him curiously. “Also, why do you keep apologizing?”  
  
“B-because? I-I-I don’t, um, unsure? Sorry…” his voice trailed off.  
  
“Look, just stop apologizing!” Connor leaned forward and his voice grew louder, irritated. He leaned back once more and looked away. “Sorry, continue.”  
  
“M-my dad, um, well, he, my father left wh-when I was little. My m-mom is never a-around. Works lot.”  
  
“Life’s a bitch for sure,” Connor nodded as if it further confirmed his sentiment. “Well, I'm glad you're okay.” He grabbed up a mobile phone from the table next to him. “This yours?” Without looking, Evan just nodded. “Good. I am putting my number in. If you ever decide to be an idiot again, message me. Got it?”  
  
“Um, um, s-sure?”  
  
As Connor got up to leave, he reached into his hoodie pocket. “Nearly forgot…” his voice trailed off as he withdrew a card and lay it on the nightstand next to the others. As he walked around the bed once more to leave, he took notice of Evan’s cast. “Not a single signature?”  
  
“W-well, it's really not a prob-it’s okay.”  
  
Evan's protests didn't stop Connor from removing the sharpie from his pocket and writing his name along the cast in large letters.  
  
“There, now my sister won’t give me hell and maybe I can get my phone and car privileges back sooner.” Connor smirked as he spun and left the room.  
  
Was he joking? Was he serious? Was this all a ruse meant to mess with Evan? He chose to push the encounter from moments ago out of his mind and instead picked up Connor’s card. It had a cartoon dog saying get well, but the surprise came when he opened the card. Inside, Connor had written:  
  
Next time you think about doing something stupid, remember that the great thing about suicide is that it's not one of those things you have to do now or you lose your chance. I mean, you can always do it later. Then keep telling yourself every time you think about it. Later.  
  
Evan read the passage over and over, shocked. It wasn't something he expected from someone like Connor. He sat the card back on the nightstand and turned his attention to his new book until sleep overcame him.  
  
Evan was shortly thereafter transferred from the hospital’s ICU to the psych ward. He would spend nearly a fortnight in the ward and it was miserable. His mistake was confessing the broken arm was his first attempt at ending it all. That only extended his stay. The screams and cries of other patients. They were just people with problems, like him. The majority of his days were spent with therapists, but his free time was lost in his new book. At least they allowed him that.  
  
By the end of the two weeks, he wanted a little bit of normalcy in his life. Well, the closest thing to normalcy he could achieve. His mother stopped by on her break to carry him home. Conversation was sparse and mostly idle charter. He preferred it that way so it was no skin off his back.  
  
Heidi Hansen was there long enough to walk him into the house, offer a hug, quick kiss on the forehead, and a reminder of how much she loved him. Then she was gone, back to work. He wasn't fond of the eerie silence and having to visit his therapist twice a week now. The thoughts were quieted though as he stepped into his bedroom. It felt like he had been gone for decades. The rush of comfort and familiarity was short-lived. The sensation and feeling departed just as quickly as it came.  
  
He fell back onto his bed and tried to enjoy it anyway. Savour the memory of that feeling. After what he endured though, the prospect of school the next day was more appealing than another day on lock down. But that was for tomorrow, right then was all that mattered. When he pulled up his phone, his first urge was to called Jared. As he scrolled through, seeing the name Connor Murphy listed under his contacts gave pause. His finger hovered over the text message button, but decided against it and scrolled down.  
  
He called Jared and sat patiently as the phone rang. And rang. Finally his voice mail picked up. _“Hi, this is Jared! Just joking, this is my voicemail! Leave me a message and I'll think of you as I listen to it.” Beeeep_.  
  
Rather than leave a voicemail, he instead sent a text message relating his release from the hospital and arrival back home.  
  
 _I just want to do better, be better._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song title is from the Cheap Trick's "Heaven Tonight" (Heaven Tonight)  
> Opening lyrics are from Alice Cooper's "The Quiet Room" (From the Inside)
> 
> As always, special thanks to anyone and everyone that has read this chapter!


	4. Feel Like I'm Walking On Broken Glass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! You're getting a special and early update this week thanks to a more WONDERFUL beta than I could ever ask for or hope for. <3 Hope you guys enjoy some awkward Conner and Evan time finally! I promise there will be more of it henceforth! :P
> 
> As always, kudos, comments, critiques, etc. are appreciated! I do hope the writing and characters have been consistently decent at best.

**You better make your face up in your favourite disguise  
** **With your button down lips and your roller blind eyes**  
**With your empty smile and your hungry heart**  
**Feel the bile rising from your guilty past**  
**With your nerves in tatters as the cockle shell shatters**

* * *

 **  
** **Chapter Three**  
**It Feels Like I’m Walking On Broken Glass**

Evan rolled out of bed, carefully reaching to shut off his alarm. There was no avoiding the inevitable, no matter how much he wished otherwise. Evan begrudgingly pulled on his clothes, dashed out of the house after offering a half-hearted farewell to his mother, and was greeted by Jared.  
  
“The school will be bettered by your presence,” Jared teased in greeting. Evan responded with a soft chuckle. There was some comfort in going back to life as usual. At least the façade of life as usual.  
  
“Yeah,” was all Evan said.  
  
The car ride was brief and quiet. The silence gave Evan’s anxiety all of the time it needed to begin making a list of everything and anything that could and would go wrong. He did his best to silence the thoughts and instead focus on what was important. While away, he was left with an ample amount of time to complete all the school work he would be missing. Plus, what if there were rumours? Would he dethrone Connor Murphy as the school psychopath?  
  
It was as he stepped out of Jared’s car that the anxiety came to hit him full force. Were people expected to be extra nice to him? Go out of their way for him? Was there going to be a welcome back banner set up in the entrance? The more scenarios his brain began to imagine, the more difficult each step became. _Is it too late to just go back home and wait a few more days_ , he pondered.  
  
Evan was finally brought back from his thoughts as he passed through the threshold into the school. Every fear immediately began to vanish though as he stared down the length of the hallway. Students acting like normal. Some walking to and from lockers, others propped against the wall chatting. It was as if nothing happened and relief washed over him. _Nothing is different, nothing has changed.  
  
_ Everything was okay. Until he reached his locker. Memories of Connor berating him and throwing him to the floor immediately filled his vision. He shakily opened the locker. Evan slid his backpack into the locker, keeping only his binder and a few textbooks in his arms. It was then he noticed a folded sheet of paper sitting in the bottom of his locker. He reached down and held the mysterious note, but before he could consider opening it, the bell rang signaling first period class was starting soon. He made a dash for the classroom. His first class was on C++ Programming and while the teacher droned on, Evan’s attention was focused on the note. He gingerly unfolded it and began to scan over the contents of the note:  
  
 _Dear Hansen,  
Sorry to hear what happened to you. Hope you’ll join me in the library for lunch when you get back. I know you normally eat there anyway. See you there.  
  
_ Who would even care enough to bother leaving him a note? Much less pay enough attention to know that he hid during lunch? Not fully paying attention to what the professor said reflected in his notes for the class. They hardly made any sense. _Riiiiiiing_! The bell announced the end of first period classes. Where did the time go?  
  
“Mr. Hansen?” Evan looked up, his teacher was standing over him, a sympathetic and concerned look splayed across his face.  
  
“Y-y-yessir?” Evan choked out.  
  
“I just wanted to let you know that staff and faculty are here for you. Our counselor, Mr. Miller has also said if you need someone to talk to, that’s why he’s here. Alright?”  
  
Evan just nodded before he muttered a meek, “Thanks, um, thank y-you.”  
  
“Of course, you better be off to next your class.”  
  
Nodding, Evan gathered up his belongings and balanced them as he went from class to class. It was a mundane morning. Jared checked in on him between each class and Zoe Murphy even waved him down after seeing him in the halls. Things were looking up.  
  
“So, what are your plans for lunch?” Zoe came running up after getting Evan’s attention.  
  
“Oh! Zoe! Um, I, um, y-yeah, was just, oh, no plans.” Evan stared at the binder in his hand.  
  
“Care to join me then? I’m sure you could use the company!” She flashed a wide grin. It was impossible to miss the poorly concealed pity in her smile.  
  
“Oh, no, um, that’s, I-I’ve got plans, so-sorry,” he muttered, still not able to bring himself to look up.  
  
“Well, that’s fine, Evan! You have nothing to worry about! Take care of yourself and maybe we’ll bump into each other later?” She bound off towards the cafeteria. How could one individual seem so bubbly?  
  
Evan kept his head down and continued to the library. He chose a secluded table alone and fished through the brown paper sack. His mother had made him a sandwich. Despite his best efforts, Evan only managed a few bites before returning the sandwich into the bag. Nothing else tucked away in the bag seemed all that appetizing. So he sat there, surrounded by the silence. It was heavy, overbearing; however, it was still more preferable than dealing with the noisy, overcrowded cafeteria.  
  
He wearily peered at the empty library. There wasn’t another person as far as he could see. Maybe this was all a joke? He pulled the note out once more and gazed down at it, carefully going over its contents. Maybe it was Jared? Or could it have actually been Zoe? He mulled it over in head, unaware of the other individual in the library.

* * *

 

**  
No matter what or who you've been  
No matter when or where you've seen  
All the knives seem to lacerate your brain  
I've had my share, I'll help you with the pain  
You're not alone  
  
**

Connor traced the spines of the books that lined the library’s book shelf. He would have to put forth a modicum of effort if he wanted to graduate and get away from everyone. From everything. If there's one thought he couldn't stand, it was another year in these hellish halls. There was no denying his intelligence, he just felt no desire to apply himself.  
  
He noticed the library doors opened, but mentally dismissed it. Until he saw a blue blur pass by the aisle he stood in. He would know the sky blue shirt anywhere. It was practically the only shirt Evan ever wore. Connor quietly moved to the back aisle of the library and tried to casually glance over to verify it was Evan.  
  
 _Did he actually read the letter?_ This predicament left Connor pensive. He was afraid he would scare the other young man off. Especially after his explosive rage. Despite their glaring differences, he felt a connection to Evan. They were both socially disconnected. _Okay, at least one similarity_ , Connor noted.  
  
Evan had attempted to take his life and it was something Connor was ready to do. Until the school received the news. It left him racked with guilt he could have influenced that choice. If Connor disappeared, no one would notice or care. At the very least, Kleinman cared for Hansen, even if he didn't show it. Connor lost his sister and father. His mother just struggled to keep the family together.  
  
He watched from afar as Evan attempted to eat a sandwich before discarding it. Connor slid his hands into the pockets of his hoodie and started to work up the courage to join the other young man. Why was he nervous? Oh, because he was expecting the same reaction he got at the hospital. Evan would freak out. The only person that could possibly understand his struggles saw him for the monster he was.  
  
“Hey, Hansen, have room for another?” Connor never waited for a response. He spun an empty chair around and sat on it backwards. He couldn't hide his grimace a little when Evan failed to look up from table. “So, how are you holding up?”“I'm-I’m doing f-fine, um, yeah, j-just fine I guess,” Evan offered a weak shrug. He was trying to play it cool? Or just downplay how he actually felt?  
  
“Good,” Connor looked down at the sheet of paper in Evan’s hand. The sloppy handwriting was unmistakably his. “I see you got my note at least. Was afraid it might scare you from coming here and didn't want to drop in unwelcome.”  
  
“No, no, um, it's o-okay. How’d you know, um, that, um, that I come to-to the library?”  
  
Connor gaze briefly left the frail Evan to the book lined shelves. He loved to read. It wasn't commonly known, but he could lose himself in a book. Especially the classics. He brought his gaze back to Evan. _Could he make himself appear any smaller? He seems so tiny sitting there._ “Do I scare you?” Connor crossed his arms over his chest and ignored the question Evan asked.  
  
“Um, wh-what?” he watched Evan’s form tense up. “I-I mean, yeah, well, no!” The words came out too quick and made little sense. “Not you, um, not you spec-specifically. More everyone. You brought me, um, you know, um, a-a card. It was nice.” Slowly, Evan looked up and stared for several seconds into Connor’s eyes. His eyes were blue with accents of grey. “Wh-why are you, um, well, you know. Um, why are you b-being so nice to-to me?” Evan turned his attention to Connor’s fingernails. They were painted black. It was as if the timid boy was mesmerized by them.  
  
Connor shook his head, holding back a sigh. “Look, Hansen, I have no one that cares for me. That should come as little surprise. I was planning to off myself not long ago. I felt guilty when word spread about what you did. I may have been the catalyst. Regardless, it made me rethink wanting to do it. All the doubts I managed to silence, it gave them a voice. I guess I mostly wanted to see you make it through this, people care about you.” He gave a nonchalant shrug as he finished.  
  
“O-oh, well, um, do you wanna, um, be f-friends?”  
  
Connor reclined back in his seat, barely capable of concealing his astonishment. A friend would do him good. It would make his parents get off his case. Especially if that friend was Evan. “Very well, Hansen, that sounds fair. We should hang out sometime. Coffee?”  
  
“E-excuse me?” Evan looked up once more, confused.  
  
Connor pantomimed drinking a drink. “Coffee. Would you like to get some sometime? My treat.” He made an attempt at a smile at the timid boy, but realized it probably looked like a smirk.  
  
“S-sure? I-I mean, um, that sounds good. Sorry-” Evan stammered.  
  
“I told you, the apologizing isn't necessary.” _God, that is such an annoying habit. I should be the one apologizing still. This kid needs to relax.  
  
_ “Right. Um, lunch should be, um, be ending s-soon. Must get med- um, medicine from nurse. Th-thanks, Connor,” Evan stood up, bowed his head politely, and stated for the door.  
  
Connor kicked his feet up onto the table and sank down further in his chair. “That Hansen kid is weird, but he's not all that bad,” Connor thought aloud. “Not bad for sure.”  
  
_Riiiiiing_! The school bell shrieked obnoxiously noting the end of lunch. Rather than returning to his classes, he had a joint tucked away in his bag. Thus, he had better things to do than listening to some dull teacher droll on about some boring subject. He slid out through the library’s side door outside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song referenced in chapter title is:
> 
> Annie Lennox - Walking On Broken Glass (Diva)
> 
> Evan's opening song is:
> 
> Pink Floyd - Run Like Hell (The Wall)
> 
> Connor's opening song is:
> 
> David Bowie - Rock n' Roll Suicide (The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars)


	5. You Just Call On Me When You Need a Hand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As per usual, special thanks to the brilliant, the lovely, the wonderful, and the timeless beta I have. I've been able to call her friend for a decade next month! <3
> 
> So, the moment everyone's been waiting on. Some real, genuine, quality Connor and Evan time together. And it's awkward. And only going to get more adorably (I hope it is?) awkward before it gets better. Other than that, criticisms, praise, or even just saying hey is appreciated in the comments! Kudos are also deeply appreciated and if you really like what you've read so far, give me a bookmark. Thank you all so much for returning and reading.

**Keep smiling, keep shining** **  
** **Knowing you can always count on me, for sure** **  
** **That's what friends are for** **  
** **For good times and bad times** **  
** **I'll be on your side forever more** **  
** **That's what friends are for**

* * *

  
**Chapter Four  
** **You Just Call On Me When You Need a Hand**

  
Evan had finally made it to Friday. His first full week of the school year and he was still alive. He still hadn't decided if it was a twist of fate of a cruel joke by some greater power. Either way, here he was. In his room and alone. Jared was silent since he had managed to score an invite to a party. He extended the invitation to Evan for the sheer sake of politesse, but Evan declined.  
  
The peace and quiet of a relaxing Friday evening was shattered when his mother's voice filled the silence. “Hey, honey, good news! I managed to get my shift covered this evening. I figured we could go grab a bite and maybe watch a movie or something!”  
  
Evan groaned inwardly. He racked his brain for some excuse to hide away. She didn't want him to be in the house alone over the weekend. Her fears were misplaced, but no amount of reassurance would be enough to dissuade her. Then it hit him! He pulled out his mobile and selected Connor Murphy.  
  
_E. Hansen_  
  
_Would you like to do something this evening? Kind of want to get out of the house. If that's okay of course! But, um, if you don't wanna,  okay too._  
  
“Oh, hey mom,” he rubbed his eyes and stretched his arms out for good measure. He feigned having been just woken up from a nap.  
  
“Did I wake you?” She frowned and took a step forward him to hug him.  
  
“No, no, it's fine mom,” he hugged her back with his good arm. Going through the motions so she felt like the good mother she strived to be. She just didn't realize that in her attempt at playing two parents and working herself to death meant neglecting her son.  
  
“Well, I was letting you know that we can do whatever you want tonight! It's not much, but I want you to know I love you.”  
  
“Mom…” he couldn't conceal the sigh. “I know you love me. I really am okay. I also have plans with a friend shortly.” It wasn't entirely a lie and then he realized he had left his mobile in his room. He couldn't know if Connor responded. “I love you too.” Those three words came so easy to him because that's all they were. Words. She wasn't around enough for him to know who she was or she to know who he was anymore.  
  
“Oh,” her voice reflected her dismay at the news. “I've got it! Why doesn't your friend stay here? He can join us and we can play games, talk, who knows?”  
  
I highly doubt he's the board game and movie night type. “Sure, I'll ask him.”  
  
“What's his name?”  
  
“Oh, it's Connor. Connor Murphy.”  
  
His mother stood there for a moment before her gaze fell down to his cast. “Oh! The one that signed your cast while you were in the hospital! Of course! You know I've been wanting to meet him anyway!”  
  
Then why haven't you ask about it more? “Okay, let me message him and see.”  
  
Evan broke away to head back to his room. He pulled out his phone to check it. Still no response. Connor didn't have his number, maybe he didn't know it was him?  
  
_E. Hansen_  
  
_By the way, it's Evan. Also, mom all but demands you spend the evening with us. Not too late of you want to back out. I understand._  
  
He deposited the phone into his pocket and headed back into the living room. He sat down across from his mother and just looked at her.  
  
“What about Jared? Do you think he would want to come over?”  
  
“He's actually, um, busy. Study group thing for Spanish class I believe?” He didn't meant for It to come out as a question, but his mother seemed to buy it at least.  
  
“That sounds fun! What about you? How are your classes going? Are you keeping your grades up? Anything to help your chances with scholarships!”

  
“Classes are going as well as they can go. School isn't meant to be enjoyed.” He chuckled softly. _You have to convince her you really are okay._ “I've been working diligently for all of my classes. I promise.”  
  
As his mother began to speak, he could feel his buzz. An incoming message. As he withdrew the mobile from his pocket, it kept buzzing. The displayed showed five new text messages from Connor. He opened them up and glanced down.  
  
_C. Murphy_

 _Sorry_  
 _Shit goin down on my end_  
 _Gimme 30 mins_  
 _I can be there in no time_  
 _Oh whats ur address_  
  
Not wanting to inquire further for the time being, Evan just sent Connor his address. “Connor should be here in a half hour or so.” He slid his phone back into his pocket.  
  
“Wonderful! I can't wait to meet your friend!” his mother was practically giddy at the notion Evan had made a new friend. Plus she had an opportunity to meet him. Evan felt her excitement and joy would deflate the moment Connor arrived. To say he often came off as abrasive for first impressions was understatement.  
  
“Well, things are kind of rough on his end. Family issues and all. So a reprieve from that may be good for him.” _Shit going down on my end_ , Connor's words echoed in Evan’s head. Maybe they were similar. Evan's family life was non-existent and Connor’s was a perpetual state of chaos.  
  
“The poor, dear. You should ask if he wants to stay over! It'll be like a slumber party! One of you can take the couch, the other the sofa! Watch movies all night and talk about your futures, girls, or whatever you young men discuss!”  
  
“Mom!” Evan’s cheeks were flushed. “I don't think shoving hospitality down his throat makes a good first impression!”  
  
“Alright, alright, honey. I won't embarrass you too much!” Her smile was warm and caring. When was the last time she looked that way? When was the last time they sat down and talked like this?  
  
Ding, dong! The chime of the doorbell echoed through the house. Connor looked towards his mother. Heidi looked towards Evan. She tilted her head towards the door, gesturing for him to answer it. Nervously, Evan headed for the door, slowly opening it.

 

* * *

 

**Unruly boys**   
**Who will not grow up**   
**Must be taken in hand**   
**A crack on the head**   
**Is what you get for not asking**   
**And a crack on the head**   
**Is what you get for asking**

**  
** “Connor, just tell me why. Why is it, while dealing with a client at work, your school calls me? Three days you have skipped out on your classes. One of those three you don’t even show up. We tried to trust you. This rebellious stage was normal enough when you were thirteen. You’re seventeen now and graduate next year! It’s time to drop this disobedient act!” Larry’s face was was turning beet red. Zoe and his mother were sitting on the opposite side of the dining room table. Larry stood behind them, looking down on Connor.  
  
Connor held up both hands, using his fingers to form a rectangle. He peered through the rectangle with one eye. “Look, a picture perfect family. Minus the black sheep of a son. Look, Larry, I don’t know what your problem is. The school is the one that called you at work, not me. Tell them to stop calling.”  
  
“CONNOR MICHAEL MURPHY! I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE ANYMORE! YOU’RE NOT EVEN MY-” Larry lost it. As was par for the course, Connor pushed too far. He flinched when Larry used his full name.  
  
“Connor,” his mother intercepted Larry before he could continue. “We’re worried about you. With each passing year you’ve grown distant. Most teenagers usually revolt against their parents and other authority figures. Instead of letting us in, you just push us away from you.”  
  
“THAT’S BECAUSE THERE’S A CHANCE THAT I MAY BE FUCKED UP!” He yelled back at his mother before taking a breath. He couldn’t afford to turn the only person on his side against him. “Larry can’t admit that there’s a chance my problems are psychosomatic. I’m just some disgraceful blemish on the family. An angry, rebellious young man seeking attention. Right, Larry?”  
  
His father started around the table now. “Larry!” All heads turned to face Cynthia, mouths agape. Connor was unaware his mother could sound so forceful. “Sit down. Connor, please go to your room. We need some time to talk. Is that alright?”  
  
Connor just nodded and bound up the stairs to his room. He wanted to punch something. He wanted something or someone to understand his pain and frustration. It was then he noticed the tiny light blinking on his mobile. He reached down and picked it up. _Hansen, you surprise me_ . Connor read over the messages and this opportunity was a godsend. Anything that got him out of the house and what better excuse than a friend? He stood at door and listened. The footsteps of Larry trailed off from the kitchen to the living room. Now was his chance.  
  
He quietly moved down the stairs and turned into the dining room. “Mom, I know that now is not a good time, but could I go out? A friend wants me to meet his mother and hang out.”  
  
Cynthia’s composure changed at the mention of a friend. “Oh really, who is that, dear?”  
  
“Oh, just a guy from school. We’ve been in the same classes since second grade, but we just started talking a few weeks ago. He’s really a good kid.”  
  
Cynthia stood up from the dining room chair and circled around the table to embrace Connor. “I’m glad you’ve got a friend. Slide out and I’ll handle things on this front. Particularly with your father. Oh, and maybe his good qualities will rub off on you.” Cynthia leaned up and planted a kiss on Connor’s forehead. Her smile was weary, but genuine. Connor just nodded and headed out while he had the chance.  
  
The drive to Evan’s house was silent. He debated turning on the radio, but he was nervous. The terrible, scary Connor Murphy was a little jarred by this. Evan’s mom wanted to meet him? Was this what parents normally did? Maybe she knew about him shoving her son? What if she had just heard rumours in general from Kleinman? Or possibly Evan himself? _I can’t think like that. I’ve got problems, yeah, but surely she won’t judge me too harshly? Come on, Connor, you’re overthinking all of this, just relax. It’s too late to smoke a bowl to calm the nerves. I can’t show up reeking of pot._ The mental struggle continued until he pulled up at the house. It was a humble and quaint home which felt oddly appropriate for someone like Evan. He stepped out of the car, crossed the lawn quickly, and pressed the doorbell.  
  
“Um, j-just one, sorry, um, please wait,” came a muffled voice from the other side of the door as he heard the deadbolt and chain being undone. Finally, the door slowly opened and a pair of bright blue eyes peeked at him before Evan opened the door. “D-did you find it al-alright?” Evan gestured, inviting Connor in; his eyes immediately fell the floor.  
  
“Yeah, it wasn’t a problem! You know, you’re not that far from me actually,” Connor offered a half-smile as he stepped in. “So, this is your house?” _Nicely done, Connor, any other obvious things you wish to point out?_ He mentally scolded himself.  
  
“It-it, um, yes,” Evan took the lead, heading down the hallway towards his bedroom.  
  
“Where’s your mom? I figured she’d be part of the welcoming committee. At least from the way you made it sound in your message,” Connor teased at Evan, a full grin slowly spreading across his face.  
  
“Oh, no, she, um, she’s, you know, um, she’s cooking dinner. I-I can show you, um, show you room.” Evan opened the door to his bedroom.  
  
Connor strolled in and took a seat on the edge of the bed. “So, what do you like to do?” _What am I saying? Better yet, what am I doing?_  
  
“N-Not a whole lot. Um, you-you know? Trees are, um, trees are cool. Nature in general is c-cool. It’s nice. Sorry, d-don’t mean to stutter.” Evan just stood propped against the wall. He didn't bring his gaze up to meet Connor’s.  
  
_It's probably surreal and playing hell on his nerves. Me. Connor Murphy. Sitting on his bed._ “How many times do I have to tell you? No apologizing!”  
  
“Oh, um, right, y-yeah, sorry. Don't mean to keep ap-ap-” Evan started.  
  
“Hansen, it's okay. I shouldn't get mad at it. I have problems of my own. They’re not visible, but they're there. It's a struggle to not let them control my life and become a scapegoat for my troubles. They're also difficult to learn to cope with.”  
  
“Wh-what about, um, some, you know, um, professional he-help?” Evan started to look up at Connor, but lowered his gaze once more.  
  
“Larry doesn't believe in mental illness. It's some conspiracy created by the government or whatever. My problem is just a bad attitude. Which isn't entirely wrong, but it's not entirely right either. My whole life I have been on the edge of the cliff looking down waiting for the courage to jump. Just imagine a void. That's what my waking moments are like. A life trapped in a suspended state bordering the edge of nonexistence. It's- I can't explain it. Some days it's bearable, others I want to give in.” Connor's words just came spilling forth and he couldn't stop once he started. Evan's eyes widened as the boy spontaneously began to open up to him.  
  
“Boys?” Heidi knocked on the open door. “Dinner is ready! I made Evan’s childhood favourite!”  
  
“Mooooom!” Evan groaned, his eyes wide.  
  
_Saved by fate! That was weird. He doesn't want to play therapy session with me and hear about my problems._ “Nice to meet you, Ms. Hansen,” Connor stood and offered a hand.  
  
“You must be Connor! Evan was telling me about you earlier!” she eagerly took the offered hand and pat it gently. “It's nice to know Evan has been branching out and making friends. Well, come on, let's get some food!”  
  
The trio worked their way down the hallway and into the living room. Three tv tray tables were set up and ready. Connor took the seat on the far end and Evan opted to sit across the living room, facing Connor. Heidi took the seat next to Connor.  
  
“So, how long have you been friends?” Heidi inquired as she looked between the two boys.  
  
Evan shot Connor a panicked look, but Connor coolly responded, “Well, we've been in the same classes for a long time now. It wasn't until the first day of school we spoke. We don't get much time together. Things are hectic and busy, so we get to talk on lunch.”  
  
“Y-yeah, we talk about stuff. He knows, trees. Um, he knows I like trees. And-and he likes…” Evan's voice trailed off.  
  
“I like to read and write. I generally write poetry, but prefer classic literature when reading. Twain, Wilde, Hemingway, and Defoe to name a few. My personal favourite work is Robinson Crusoe though.”  
  
“Oh wow! You didn't strike me as the bookish type, that's wonderful!”  
  
The three ate in silence for some time. Heidi had made Pizzadillas. It was just a quesadilla with a tomato sauce base with cheese and pepperoni. _So, this was Evan’s favourite meal as a child? That's cute. I don't remember having a favourite meal I would beg mom to make._  
  
“What about you Ms. Hansen? What do you do?” Connor inquired.  
  
“Oh, please, call me Heidi. I want you to make yourself comfortable and at home here. I work as an RN, but normally only have a small amount of down time to nap between shifts. Almost everyday I work doubles. The money is much needed.”  
  
Connor shot Evan a glance, unsure of how to handle his host’s overly gracious hospitality. Evan just shrugged back to him. Both were at a loss, but Connor felt it was best to play along.  
  
“Sorry to hear that, Heidi.” Saying her name was weird. He referred to his father by his first name all the time and it felt right. But Larry was hardly a father at all.  
  
“We are all dealt hands in life. Some are great, some not so much. We just live and move on I suppose.” She stared off at seemingly nothing as she spoke. “Well then! Sorry, I didn't mean to get so gloomy! Connor, you are more than welcome to stay the weekend if you like. Evan, there's a cobbler in the oven for you two as well. Have fun and don’t stay up too late. I'm off to bed for the night, early morning shift.” She collected up the plates and excused herself.  
  
“W-would you like to, um, would you, watch a movie?” Evan asked. He looked down at his hands resting in his lap.  
  
“That's not a bad idea, Hansen. You do realize though I am not going to bite you. Right?”  
  
“Um, let me p-pick a few movies. If you wanna, um, if you, ch-choose movie!” Evan scurried out of the room for several moments before returning with a stack of films.  
  
Connor couldn't suppress his laughter at Evan attempting to balance a huge stack on movies on his one good arm. “Here, let me help you out.” Connor jumped up and grabbed the stack and sat them down on the coffee table. “So, what looks good to you, Hansen?”  
  
“W-well, mom always liked this one. She, um, once t-told me it-it was based off of an old book.” Evan pulled the movie out and passed it to Connor.  
  
“Dangerous Liaisons? Haven't heard of it before, but let’s watch it.” Connor popped the movie in.  
  
Once Connor spun around though, Evan had sat back down on the loveseat. Casually and coolly Connor walked over to the loveseat and sat next to Evan. The two settled into a comfortable quietness as the film started up.  
  
“Shit!” Connor mumbled to himself before pulling out his phone. He explained the situation in a text and sent it to his mother. There would be hell to pay for this later, but his father could wait until Sunday. For now, he was going to enjoy himself for the first time in a long time.  
  
_I have a friend..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song notes:  
> The title song is Bill Withers' "Lean On Me" (Still Bill)  
> Evan's song is Dionne Warwick & Friends' "That's What Friends are For" (Friends)  
> Connor's song is The Smiths' "Barbarism Begins at Home" (The Smiths)


	6. Gimme Shelter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that it took an entirely new month to get the chapter typed out. I went through the process of writing, scrapping, stopping, beating my head against the wall, then writing again. Still not sure I'm entirely pleased with how it turned out, but I certainly hope you guys enjoy this and I promise not to take so long! Life is beginning to simmer down a bit, so I've got more free time! Also, if you're reading this immediately, this is the rough draft, not fully edited. Was just excited to get it up to hear your thoughts.

**Sometimes I feel so happy  
** **Sometimes I feel so sad**  
 **Sometimes I feel so happy**  
 **But mostly you just make me mad**  
 **Baby, you just make me mad**

 

* * *

 

**Chapter Five  
Gimme Shelter**

**  
** _What is happening?_ Evan stirred in his sleep, a small trail of saliva ran from the corner of his mouth and down his cheek.  
  
“Surely I've explained to you before how much I enjoy watching the battle between love and virtue.”  
  
“What concerns me is that you seem to enjoy watching it much more than you used to enjoy winning it.”  
  
“All in good time.”  
  
“The century is drawing to its close.”  
  
The two voices were familiar, but he couldn’t quite place them. As consciousness slowly found him, he lifted his head up, wiping the spittle away from his cheek. It was until he began rolling his neck did his eyes flutter open, taking in the darkened living room. Brightly shining, the television showed the menu screen to the film he had put it earlier. It was at that moment memories came flooding back to him.   
  
He ran over everything in his head once and then twice. Connor Murphy had came over. He and Connor had dinner with his mother. They talked quite a bit actually. No explosions, no fits of rage, and no bouts of anger. Then they settled into the living room to watch a movie.   
  
“So you’re finally awake, Hansen?” Evan’s thoughts came to a screeching halt. “Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you up. You were sleeping so soundly; in fact, you were gone about five minutes into the film.”   
  
“O-oh, shit, I’m so, um, I’m so sorry, I drooled…” Evan’s wide eyes fell to the sleeve of Connor’s shirt. A small dark spot from where his drool ran down onto it.   
  
“Think nothing of it, Hansen, I honestly didn’t even notice it. You’re too tightly wound, take it easy. Let’s go cool off.” The last bit was intended to come out as a question, but almost sounded like an order. “I know this great place, you’ll love it!”   
  
“Wha-?” It was all Evan managed to get out before Connor was up and tossing Evan a light jacket. “G-go where?” The question fell on deaf ears.  
  
Connor had already swung open the front door and was heading out into the night. Within the span of a few seconds Evan was fumbling with his set of keys hanging next to the door and sliding the jacket on. He gently shut the door behind him, being sure to click the deadbolt locked. The car’s engine started as Evan approached it, Connor reached over and threw the passenger side door open.   
  
“Sorry it’s such a mess in here,” Connor mumbled while grabbing handfuls of assorted junk that cluttered the passenger seat.  
  
Empty cigarette boxes, crumpled paper, beer cans, school supplies, empty fast food sacks, and more. Once the seat was free of debris, Evan climbed in. It was then Connor withdrew a small, plastic baggy from the floorboard. Evan’s eyes widened while Connor’s expression turned into a devious grin. He pocketed the baggy without a word before pulling onto the dark, empty road.   
  
“S-so where are we, uh, we g-going?” Evan shifted uncomfortable in his seat. Perspiration began to form along his hairline. His eyes darted around, taking in his surroundings and trying to figure out where they could possibly be heading. As his anxiety began to rise though, his thoughts became clouded and unfocused.   
  
It wasn’t another mile down the road before Connor had to pull off. He didn’t have to see it to know that Connor was probably looking at him like he was insane. _Dammit Evan, what are you doing?_ He scolded himself mentally. He just knew that it was Connor’s turn to have eyes wide with fear, completely unaware of how to handle the hyperventilating, sweating, trembling Evan. A moment later the car turned off. Evan was frantically struggling with the belt buckle, unable to pop it free. He could feel as Connor gingerly reached over, gently brushing Evan’s hands aside as he pressed the button in. The moment he was freed from the confines of the belt he threw the door open and stumbled to the sidewalk, taking a seat on the curb. He curled in on himself, gasping and trembling.   
  
“So…” Connor’s voice trailed off, unsure of what to say. Evan heard Connor’s footsteps as he  rounded the car and took a seat next to Evan. “It’s okay, man, you’re okay. If you want to go back home, that’s okay.” The silence was filled with a cross between sobbing and gasping from Evan’s curled up form. “I’m here with you, don’t worry, just take your time.” Connor awkwardly patted Evan’s back, unsure of what else to do.   
  
“N-n-no.” The utterance was almost lost on the quiet night air.  
  
“I’m sorry? I didn’t hear you,” Connor leaned in a little bit, hoping that Evan would vocalize what was wrong.   
  
“Don’t, uh, don’t n-need go home.” He stumbled through the half-formed sentence. “Just calm.”   
  
“Well, I’m here until you’re okay,” Connor’s hand found its way once more on Evan’s shoulder. A gentle, reassuring squeeze.  
  
Evan mumbled a response that sounded like a meek ‘thanks’. He was caught off guard that Connor just sat there next to him, the cool night air was oddly comforting. The blanket of night time draped over them. A cool summer breeze passed between them. _How long have we been sitting here?_ As the minutes ticked by, Evan’s sobs and gasps slowly began to quiet. He was finally regaining his composure. Silence enveloped the two young men. Evan could feel Connor’s stare, as if he was trying to glean any information from the other’s body language. Evan remained still and unmoving.   
  
It felt like thirty or more minutes had passed by easily. As Evan quieted and lay curled up, the only sounds was the occasional breeze rustling the leafs of the trees. It was at that very moment Evan wished he could just melt away. He hated people seeing him like this. He was a burden and nuisance. No one liked individuals that were so frail and weak like this. He took in a deep breath, sitting up and bringing his gaze over to Connor.  
  
Is this the same guy that shoved me in the hallway? What’s changed? What’s different? The countless possibilities and thoughts filled his already anxious mind. Over-analyzing and breaking down every possible thing. The more Evan dwelt on the strange behaviour, the less the comforting gestures helped calm him. He knew, or at least was willing to believe, that at the current time, the other meant well. He was genuinely concerned. Evan wiped the sweat and tears away from his face and shook his head, trying to quiet his thoughts.   
  
“S-sorry ‘bout that. I-I-It happens, uh, it happens. Just sneaking off like this, it, uh, is a little unnerving I guess.” Evan’s cheeks burned a bright red. He dare didn’t tell the other what was really worrying him. It was the fact he was in a car with the guy that had throttled him in the school hallway a few weeks ago. He also had pot in his possession and what if the cops pulled them over? Evan would be considered just as guilty as Connor.   
  
“Look Hansen, you apologize way too much over shit you shouldn't. It’s okay, you can’t help it. Just calm down, relax, take a deep breath, and everything will be okay. I figured you were a straight lace kid, but hells bells. Going out at night without permission freaks you out this much? It’s okay, don’t worry, you’ll be safe.”   
  
Evan’s nod was meek, but it was a nod no less. After a few more breaths, he finally climbed to his feet with the assistance of Connor. Sliding back into the car, he fastened the seat belt once more and held his trembling hands in his lap. The shifted as Connor flopped into the driver seat and started the car once more and they rode on into the night.   
  
Other than Connor’s incessant need of taking turns a little too fast, he was a fairly responsible driver. He also refused to wear his seat belt, but Evan wasn’t about to warn him of the risks of doing such habits. Just being in the company of someone that wasn’t going to mock him, put him down, or act like they have to walk on eggshells around him. Even if said individual was one of the last people on the planet he should get in the car with. It was all so strange, so peculiar, yet still so comforting.  
  
It was nearly a half hour of driving, the only sound to pierce the silence was something rattling underneath the hood. Only then did Evan realize their destination. It was somewhere he hadn’t been to since he was a child. The Autumn Smile Apple Orchard. It was some of the last real memories he had of his father. Before he up and left the family that is. After the owners were forced to declare bankruptcy, many years ago, the orchard was shut down and the lot left unattended. It had been locked off and left for sale, weeds and wildflowers long since had taken over. As they approached the tall fence of the orchard, Connor flicked the headlights off and pulled up next to the fence, careful to avoid the street lights. Police had been known to cruise the area due to teenagers climbing the fence and further damaging the dilapidated property.  
  
The two youths moved under the cover of night. When they reached the tall, wooden fence, Connor helped Evan pull himself over the edge. His landing was rougher than he expected, nearly tumbling to the ground. A moment later, Connor had hoisted himself over and dropped down next to Evan. With a quick gesture, Connor led Evan further into the abandoned orchard. A pang of sadness shot through Evan seeing something so beautiful left to fall into disuse. How could anyone do this? Eventually reaching their destination, Connor flopped down onto the ground, patting the spot next to him. He sat against a lone tree in the center of the orchard. Nervously and anxiously Evan took a seat next to Connor. This was feeling all too familiar. He had been doing this same thing a few weeks ago, but he wasn’t planning to get up for it. Yet, here he was.   
  
“So…” the words barely escaped Evan’s lips. He stared straight ahead into the darkness, unsure of what to say. The stars shone beautifully and bright above.

 

* * *

 

 **Too many problems  
** **Oh why am I here**  
 **I need to be me**  
 **'Cause you're all too clear**  
 **And I can see**  
 **There's something wrong with you**  
 **But what do you expect me to do?**  
 **At least I gotta know what I wanna be**  
 **Don't come to me if you need pity**  
 **Are you lonely you got no one**  
 **You get your body in suspension**  
 **That's no problem, problem**  
 **Problem, the problem is you**

“Come on, this way!” Connor’s heart beat rapidly. He loved coming out here. This was his stomping grounds. No one around to cast judgment, no one to mock or deride, just him and nature. And the memories. “My family used to come here all the time when I was young. We’d have picnics, we’d roll around in the grass. We even would pick apples here and mom would make fried apples. They were delicious. They were happier times.” His voice fluctuation indicated he was going on, but decided not to. He carefully dropped down in the grass next to Evan.  
  
His eyes closed and he was five again. He was running between trees, ducking and dashing while his father chased, closing the distance between them. Then they would pull out the blanket and sit down enjoying sandwiches, crisps, and cool drinks. It was all so serene and perfect. It was so long ago. His mother laughing, his father smiling, he and his sister getting along. Different times.   
  
“I-it sucks, uh, that they, you know, closed d-down.” He glanced over, watching Evan take in his surroundings.   
  
“Yeah, it was hard to watch it go.”   
  
“Do you c-come, here much?”   
  
“All the time these days. It’s my haven, my sanctuary, my getaway. I’ve only been discovered here once or twice before. Normally a couple looking for somewhere private for some heavy petting.” He smirked at the final remark, remembering the other’s shocked reactions when they had been caught.   
  
“H-heavy… Petting?” Evan tilted his head, looking at Connor inquisitively.   
  
“You know…” he began to pantomime the actions with his hands.   
  
“Wait-” Evan halted mid-sentence as his cheeks burned a bright crimson red. Even in the dark the blush was clearly visible. Connor cackled delightedly at the other’s reaction. “Th-that’s not funny!” Evan exclaimed, his cheeks turning a darker shade of crimson.   
  
“Hansen, it’s hilarious! You’re face was beet red! You surely can’t be that innocent can you?” A few seconds of silence before Connor began to understand. “You’re a virgin?!” He found it difficult to hide his astonishment.   
  
“A-at least I’ve…” Evan looked away, unable to face the other. “I’ve, uh, m-mas-masturbated b-before.” It was almost as if some invisible entity was attempting to keep him from uttering that word. Connor’s grin widened even more.   
  
“Calm down, it’s okay, Hansen. I was being crass. You don’t have to explain anything you don’t want to and there’s such thing as giving out far too much information!” Connor busted into a laughing fit.   
  
“G-glad you’re so am-amused by my s-suffering.”   
  
“Oh come on, you’re not suffering at all. It’s nothing be ashamed of or embarrassed by. I’d say it’s quite the achievement.” _How do I respond to this? Could this kid be any more of a goody goody two shoes?_ Connor pondered, unsure of how to proceed. “Oh! I forgot to tell you why I brought you here. You like trees, don’t you? That’s why I thought you would enjoy it here. It’s somewhere you can come when you want to escape the outside world for a little bit and be left alone.”   
  
“Thanks.”   
  
“Any time. So, what’s on your mind?”   
  
“N-nothing.”   
  
“Well, what do you think of the orchard? It’s a nice night for it too. The stars are out and not a cloud in sight.”   
  
“It-it’s nice.”   
  
The curt responses were beginning to become irksome. _Would it be so difficult for him to form more than a two word sentence?_ Shaking his head and pushing the frustration and thoughts to the back of his head. He needed to play nice with Evan, get his family off his back. He had a hunch his sister saw through all of this, but it made his mother happy at least. He throws a kid to the floor, the kid attempts suicide later the same day, and now he’s suddenly friends with the kid. It was a little suspicious, but again, his mother liked him having a friend. His father just saw it as probably some other pothead dropout he was chilling with. A smirk splayed across the idea of Evan being a pothead. It was hard to get more straight lace than Evan.   
  
“Huh?” Connor cut his eyes over to Evan, carefully pushing his hair behind his ear to better see the other. “I missed what you said.” The works came out flat and incesere.   
  
“O-oh, nothing. I-I just was, uh, telling y-you this tree is an, uh, is an akane apple tree. They’re early s-season apples.” Evan pointed up at the tree they sat against. He looked away, but Connor caught the briefest glimpse of a blush.   
  
“That’s pretty cool, you’re really knowledgeable about trees aren’t you?” Connor didn’t have to act interested, that was impressive as hell the kid could deduce the tree down to the fruit it bore.   
  
“Uh, yeah,” a nervous and awkward chuckle from the other.   
  
Slender fingers ran through curly, shoulder length hair. He had to play nice.  But what could he discuss with Evan? They were polar opposites in every way possible and he didn’t want to say something that would otherwise upset or cause another panic attack.  
  
“So, aside from an obsession with trees and nature, what else do you like?”  
  
“Oh, uh, well, I-I like movies, I guess? Um…” Evan’s voice trailed off.   
  
_Could he not come up with any more than that? Surely the two of us have some form of common ground. It’ll make being around him a little more tolerable._ Connor looked away, unable to hold back rolling his eyes.   
  
“Come on, there’s got to be something else that really captures your interest!”   
  
“Well, I m-mainly enjoy, uh, d-dendrology I guess. I did s-spend the summer working, uh, working at the n-national park.”   
  
A burst of laughter erupted from Connor. This kid was absolutely hopeless! If he liked trees, he liked trees. It was definitely odd.   
  
“Alright, alright, so you really like trees, huh? Well, that’s fine, it’s appropriate and fits you. If that makes sense? It’s weird, but it feels right.”   
  
“Wh-what about you?”   
  
“What?”   
  
“What do you, uh, like to do?”  
  
“Well, thanks to my father, I don’t get to do a whole lot. I usually stay locked inside my room and smoke a bowl or have a few drinks. I also,” Connor gave a pause before mumbling the last few words, “write poetry.”  
  
“That’s r-really cool!” Evan exclaimed, he turned his body to face the other. “Can I read?”   
  
“Well, I don’t have it on me right now, but I’ll consider it. Don’t usually share it with others,” a wry chuckle escaped Connor. "Not that there are 'others' in my life."   
  
Connor reached into his hoodie pocket and withdrew a lighter in one hand and a pipe in the other. He watched Evan’s eyes widen before holding up a hand.   
  
“Cool it, Hansen, I’m not going to force you to do anything and no one can see us. We’re safe here and I do it all the time here. So don’t fret.”   
  
After a minute of silence, the grating and strike of the lighter’s spark wheel broke the silence and the tiny flame cast away the surrounded darkness. As he held the flame over the bowl, he inhaled deeply. It had been several hours since he last smoked. The sudden rush was amazing and he could feel his whole body begin to relax. Each exhale mellowed him out more than the last. A thought crossed his mind and with a grin he turned to face the clearly nervous Evan. He held out the pipe and lighter.   
  
“Hansen, have you ever thought of trying pot to help you calm down? It’s supposed to be great for anxiety and other things like that.”   
  
A shaky hand reached out and gingerly took the pipe and the lighter. Evan’s gaze fell to the two items he now held. Connor was excited, maybe this would help the other calm down a bit and open up more? Maybe he wasn’t some scared, pure, too innocent person. Then it all happened in one quick motion. Connor froze up as his brain calculated what just occurred. A flash of movement, a sudden shout, the shattering of glass. Evan had thrown the pipe and was freaking out. The kid looked terrified, like he didn’t know where he was in anymore. But that didn’t matter. The mellowness and cool demeanour the pot had brought on melted away and gave way to a burning anger.   
  
“What the hell did you just do, Hansen?” Appropriately, there was a distant clap of thunder. It seemed to just further show his outrage. “Dude, you just threw my bowl against a tree! WHAT THE FUCK?!” Connor sprung to his feet, seething with anger.   
  
“Oh sh-shit, uh, s-sorry, I just, uh, I p-panicked, I don’t know w-what came over me and-and it hap- y-you know it hap-hap-happened!” Evan’s words flow forth in what sounded like a single breath. Connor watched as the other stared up at him, the fear and terror in Evan’s eyes seemed to grow more.   
  
“NO! You could have just fucking told me you didn’t want! Shit, what the fuck?” Connor stared incredulously. “I knew this was a fucking mistake in the first fucking place, but… DAMN IT! Forget it. Just FUCKING FORGET IT!” Connor stomped off, leaving the terrified Evan alone.   
  
He crossed through the orchard and reached the fence. He questioned himself if this was where they originally entered. Then the fury quieted those thoughts. Just as he pulled himself up and over the rain started. It was large, heavy drop. By the time he was seated within his car the downpour began. The patter of raindrops on the roof of his car was oddly therapeutic. It didn’t help calm the beast inside, but it did give cause to another feeling.  
  
Connor clenched his fists and closed his eyes, wrenching his mind from the other boy, forcing himself to take deep breaths, to regain control of his emotions. The anger, the sheer, bitter rage howled inside him like a living thing trying to tear its way free of him. He could feels its claws scraping at his belly, his bones. He fought it down, forced it away from his thoughts, and as he did the metaphoric steam settled and began to dissipate.  
  
_Is this remorse? Regret? Guilt? Fuck me. Whatever, he made his choice, now he suffers the consequences._ Connor continued to let his emotions stew as they had long ago reached boiling point. He started the car and with no waiting time and speedily drove off from the abandoned orchard. As he pulled onto the street, he reached down under his seat and withdrew a small bottle of vodka he kept hidden. The bitter, burning taste would soon be a comfort and would soothe what was left of the beast within.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs referenced:  
> The Rolling Stones' "Gimme Shelter"  
> The Velvet Underground's "Pale Blue Eyes"  
> The Sex Pistols' "Problems"


	7. Splendid Isolation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the two young men come back from the volatile events of the previous evening, Connor gets a lot of insight into himself and Evan finds himself reflecting on who Connor is. Is it the nutrient soil needed for the first bloom of friendship to grow? Or will it drive a wedge between the two?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it seems like the last several chapters have started off this way, but as usual, I am so sorry for taking so long to write this chapter. Either way, I do hope you guys enjoy it and I personally feel it is the weakest thus far. So do not hesitate to post critiques and whatnot in the comments!

**A sickened mind and spirit**  
**The mirror tells me lies**  
**Could I mistake myself for someone**  
**Who lives behind my eyes?**  
**Will he escape my soul**  
**Or will he live in me?**  
**Is he trying to get out**  
**Or trying to enter me?  
  
**

* * *

**  
Chapter Six  
Splendid Isolation**

It wasn't until Connor was sitting in his bedroom, joint barely balanced between his lips, that he realized the severity of his actions. As he inhaled his self prescribed medication to calm the raging beast within, he went over the previous events. He sat in his window sill, facing our over the backyard again. The rain trickled down from the roof, just barely missing the teenager. Deep drag, hold it in, release. Honestly, he couldn't tell he was angrier at. Evan or himself. He left the other stranded in a storm.  
  
_He shouldn’t have ruined a perfectly good bowl…_ The voice of his beast seemed to whisper. _No, I shouldn’t think like that. I just ruined any chances of showing my parents I’m not a complete failure. I can do right! I can at least put on the appearance of doing right. Befriend the other outcast at school, let him ‘rub off on me’, and I’ll let them think I’m the angel they want._ First he had to salvage things with Evan. Bite his tongue, bide his time, and smile. That’s all it took.  
  
The storm had been going non-stop since Connor finally got back to his house. He thanked the generosity of fate that the rest of his family wasn’t awoken by his storming into the house up to his room. Sitting there and enjoying the rain was so peaceful and he loved every second of it. If only it could last forever. Alas, the budding day was on the cusp of dawn and soon the sun would peek over the horizon.  
  
Connor raised a hand to push the long, curly hair behind an ear. His gaze lowered to the notebook that sat in his lap. Lines scrawled across the page in messy handwriting. Some lines scratched out while others have suggestions written in the margin. At the end of the day, this was the only way he could express how he felt. Connor was a time bomb and he knew when he went off and after all was said and done, this notebook would explain it all. _Why do I even care about what my family thinks about me? What’s the point of it all?_ He would never admit it, but he hoped that things would back to how they used to be. That alone might just be enough for him to give a damn. To make an effort to work past this. Sooner or later the pot, booze, and nicotine won’t be enough. While lost in thought, he continued to write out a few final lines before reading over his newest composition:

_I am the embodiment of hate and rage_  
_From the tiny rat trapped in a cage_  
_To the wars of man, life lost in vain_  
_And anyone who spends their life in pain_  
  
_Not quite from Heaven or Hell_  
_But lost in Limbo where I fell_  
_Ignored, forgotten, cast into stone_  
_Not really here, but never gone_  
  
_The angel with the scabbed wings_  
_Blackened, broken, useless things_  
_Twisted halo turning to horns_  
_Noose around my neck, caught in this form_  
  
_Bound and tied, gagged and silent_  
_But loud enough to incite violence_  
_To stir men’s hearts and twist their view_  
_To start the fire of hate anew_  
  
_Give me not your sick_  
_Your crippled_  
_Your poor_  
_But your violence_  
_Your hate_  
_Your rage_  
_Your pain_  
  
_For I am St. Anger_  
_The keeper of the broken_  
_The finder of the lost_  
_When callous words are spoken_  
_And lines are stepped across_  
_I am there to whisper_  
_To push and poke_  
_And a response evoke_  
_To turn to my side_  
_And bring another to my fold_  
_My followers, my keepers,}_  
_My children brave and bold_  
_Wild, untamed, uncontrolled_  
  
“That’ll be good enough for now,” Connor stepped down from his perch on the window sill and closed the window.  
  
Connor casually tossed the notebook onto the dresser before curling up on his bed. Staring at the dimly lit phone provided no comfort. After placing it on his nightstand and then grabbing it to look at it several times, he finally worked up the courage to do it. Pulling up the list of contacts, he slowly scrolled down. Why was this so difficult? He just needed to send a simple text message. Play his part, seem sympathetic, and let Evan’s naïveté do the rest of the work for him.  
  
_C Murphy_  
_Sorry man_  
_Really lost my cool_  
_Let me know u made it home safe_  
_Can come get u if need to_  
_Wish I could say more but am very sorry_  
  
He was too tired to bother with anything else and after sending the last message succumbed to a restless night of sleep.  
  
By the time he awoke, rays of sunlight shone through the blinds. Connor brought a hand up to shield his eyes, rubbing the sleep away as he sat up. His phone displayed the time as being two in the afternoon. He had slept in, but after the events from the morning it was little surprise. No new messages either. What if Evan tried to do something stupid again? It would be his fault for sure this time. And that was the last thing he needed to deal with. All fingers pointing at the weird kid and casting blame.  
  
Sneering down at the now blackened screen, he tossed the phone a bit harder than intended back onto the nightstand before ambling out of bed. He stumbled out of his room and towards bathroom. He stripped away the clothes he had been wearing for far too long now and started the shower. This would help clear away his thoughts. The steaming hot water did little to help calm his nerves. A drink and a smoke would help with that soon enough. It wasn’t until he dried off and was slinking off back to the confines of his room that his beloved sister, Zoe, did darken his door.  
  
“So, Connor, where _did_ you run off to last night? Breaking dad’s ruling on you using your car, leaving the house for anything other than school, breaking curfew rolling in who knows how early, _and_ not bothering to tell mom or dad you were going out.” She smirked as she pressed the issue, stressing just the right words to irritate her brother.  
  
“What the hell does it matter to you? Does my misery bring you such satisfaction?” Connor shot Zoe a blank stare. He was trying to hide the simmering that was nearing boiling point. He didn’t want to tip his hand and give her the satisfaction of winning.  
  
“Oh, come on Connor. You know you do this to yourself, right? You traipse about through life like you can do whatever you want to and nothing will come of it. That’s-”  
  
“Hansen’s place. That’s where I stayed. Okay? Hope your fucking satisfied now,” he smirked before turning his back on her before flopping down onto his bed.  
  
“Hansen?! Evan Hansen?! His place?!” Zoe failed to conceal her surprise and skepticism. “You’re full shit!”  
  
“Oh no, I’m not at all,” Connor’s smirk never wavered. Zoe’s shocked expression was enough for him. “That was also with mom’s approval.”  
  
“Not so!” It was Zoe’s chance to turn the tables on Connor. Now she flashed him a devious grin. “Mom told dad and he was not terribly pleased to hear you were going out. Regardless of who or why you did.”  
  
“And?” Connor tried to keep his cool, images of him exploding and abandoning Evan that morning surfaced to the forefront of brain. Still, the smirk vanished as the corner of his mouth sank into a frown. He didn’t feel like butting heads with his father.  
  
_C Murphy_  
_Checkin in again_  
_You ok man?_  
  
He held his finger over the send button before finally sending the text message off to Evan. He did his best to seem more interested with something on his phone than his sister currently. Seeming to buy the charade, she spun on her heels and started to walk down the hallway.  
  
“Fireworks over the Murphy house very soon,” he heard her mumble as she disappeared.  
  
The shower wasn’t enough to help soothe or relax Connor. He just lay in his bed staring up at the ceiling. The fiery rage he had barely managed to keep concealed smouldered now without something or someone to direct it at. As the final embers were snuffed out a morose melancholy feeling settled over him. It was like being within an abyss. As he lay there, darkness filled his mind and he was trapped there. But it wasn’t always terrible. It was here he pushed down his emotions and hid them under lock and key. He could almost visualize the act of putting all of his emotions into a chest and letting it go to fall deeper and deeper into the abyss. This would be best.  
  
Lacking motivation to do anything else, he lay in bed until he once again fell into a deep slumber. His sleep was restless and dreamless, just the void he had grown so accustomed to. He opted to continue sleeping on and off for the rest of the weekend, unwilling nor wanting to do anything else. Every time he awoke from the sleep those feelings were waiting to greet him. Guilt, remorse, loathing, and frustration. Constantly checking his phone while awake, there still was no response.  
  
How could one person hold this much power over him? In a pitiful effort to seem caring had he really begun to view the other as a friend? No, that couldn’t have been. He didn’t have friends. People didn’t like him. He had always been different and people don’t like things that were different. Things that broken their illusions of normality. Connor ran his fingers through his hair, pushing the curly locks behind his ears.  
  
“I’ve got just the idea to fix this,” he mumbled to his himself reaching for his mobile. He pulled up Evan’s contact and proceeded to type up another text message.  
  
_C Murphy_  
_Hannsen Im takin u to school tmrw_  
  
He paused, reading over the message and the several others previously sent. All of them as of now had remained unresponded to. Then he began to hastily type out a follow up to the previous message.  
  
_C Murphy_  
_Ur place, pickin u up at 7_  
  
Connor dropped the mobile back on his nightstand and quietly moved down the stairs, careful not to draw any attention to himself. The fact his father or sister had not been in his room to start a shit show was a miracle and he wanted to keep it that way. There was enough on his his mind without having to verbally spar with his family. A quick perusal of the refrigerator for leftovers ended with him back in his room moments later with a bowl of casserole. He had to force down the first few bites, but the more he ate, the more he realized how hungry he was. After eating and few more attempts at writing. He found little success in it and with nothing more to do found comfort in allowing himself to fall asleep once more.  
  
Monday morning came too early, but he felt somewhat motivated. It’s not because he _liked_ the Hansen kid. God no! He felt motivated to make good on his plan for reparations with Hansen. Build that bridge back, be the good little son he was expected to be, graduate, and get away from it all. The small town life, the family, all of it. He slipped into a pair of black jeans, a t-shirt that’s a few sizes too large, and his hoodie. Skipping out on breakfast and sneaking by the dining room door where his family silently ate breakfast, he made it outside unnoticed.  
  
Connor climbed into his cluttered car and headed off towards Evan’s house. He would be so surprised and speechless when he realized he was getting a ride to school from Connor. _Not that the kid wasn’t practically speechless half the time_ , he mused. He wanted to chuckle at the thought, but relented after realizing the joke was made in poor taste. Evan had a lot to work through. The more he dwelt on subject, he came dangerously close to admitted he had a lot to work through as well. Perfect! Connor quelled those unpleasant thoughts as he pulled up to the curb in front of Evan’s home.  
  
He crossed the yard in a few hurried steps, stepped up onto the porch, and pressed the doorbell button. He could hear footsteps from the inside shuffling about before the door was cracked open. Instead of being greeted by Evan’s surprised face, he found Mrs. Hansen peeking out before opening the door all the way.  
  
“Connor?” Her words made him freeze, paranoid Evan may have spilled the beans about their last encounter together.  
  
“Um, hey, Mrs. Hansen. I was going to pick up Evan for school today.”  
  
“I’m sorry, Connor!” She opened the screen door, stepped out onto the porch, and embraced Connor. He looked bewildered, but gave a half-assed attempt to return the hug. “Evan told me you had to leave because of a family emergency with your aunt! I hope she’s okay?” She leaned back to look at him hopefully.  
  
“Oh, uh, yeah, she’s doing fine. It was a false alarm. Is Evan okay?”  
  
“Yes? Has he told you anything that would imply he wasn’t? Oh, he also rides with his friend Jared to school every morning.”  
  
“He hasn’t mentioned anything. I’ve just tried to get into contact with him, but he hasn’t been responding to my messages.”  
  
“Oh, you haven’t seen Evan since you had to leave have you?” She let out a warm laugh, shaking her head. “He apparently left his phone in his jeans and washed them. The phone’s soaked, but we’ve got it in a bag of rice. It’s a trick he read about online and we’re hoping that’ll get it running, so for now he doesn’t have it.”  
  
“That’s definitely not good…” Connor’s voice trailed off as his mind went back to the late hours of Friday night when he left Evan alone in a downpour. It was his fault and the kid still lied to his mother about it? That definitely wasn’t guilt tugging at Connor’s conscience. “Well, hopefully it will work soon!”  
  
“We’re hoping the same. I do hope you’ll excuse me, but I need to finish getting ready for work. Plus, you have school to get off to!” She flashed him a kind, motherly smile before heading back in and Connor headed off to school. His morning now soured by a series of his screw ups would set the mood for the rest of the day.  
**  
**

* * *

**  
Advice is cheap you can take it from me  
It's yours to keep cause opinions are free  
Nobody knows about the trouble I've seen  
Nobody's perfect, mister, nobody's clean  
It costs too much and takes too long to find out too late  
Some words aren't heard 'til after they're spoken  
Your role was protective, your soul was too defective  
Some people just don't have a heart to be broken  
**

“You mean he just left you high and dry like that?” Jared asked, not bothering to hide him cutting his eyes over at the other young man in the passenger seat.  
  
“Y-yeah, I, uh, I screwed up b-big time. Was my f-fault,” Evan just stared ahead.  
  
“How is it your fault, man?!” Jared almost demanded, his voice full of exasperation. “I can’t believe he just came to hang out at your place like that then leave you in a storm. It’s cold out and with the rain you’re lucky you didn’t get bronchitis or something. He’s the psychotic one that freaked out on you, so we know where fault lies.”  
  
“I, uh, yeah, I suppose,” Evan gave in half-heartedly, not fully believing his words. There was little point in arguing.  
  
“Look, don’t think twice about him. I’ll always be your friend and Zoe has been really worried about you. So don’t let one unhinged guy get you down!” Jared shot him a friendly smile, but Evan just stared ahead.  
  
The rest of the ride to school was spent in silence and that was okay. Sometimes it felt like Evan’s head was full of static that reached its loudest in silence. Strangely, it was also when he was most able to filter through his thoughts. How could I have done something so careless? So foolish? Connor is no different than I am. He just wants to fit in. To have a friend. I had to freak out, I had to throw the pipe. I had to get stuck in the rainstorm. I had to go back to the hospital to get the cast replaced. Then again, Connor needs to stop self-medicating himself with drugs as well. He’s treating the symptom, not the illness.  
  
“Evan? Evan?” Torn from his thoughts, he realized Jared was staring at him. They were sitting in the school’s parking lot. “Are you okay? You just zoned out for a while and was staring off.”  
  
“Oh, yeah, I-I was just thinking. Long weekends, and uh, you know. School h-has b-been stressful.” Evan flashed Jared an uncomfortable smile. It was the best he could muster.  
  
“Riiiight,” Jared drew out the word, one eyebrow raised up. “I’m not entirely convinced, but we need to get to class. I’ll see you at lunch, man.”  
  
Evan kept his head low, dashing towards his first class. The entire morning flew by despite how long the classes themselves felt. Between them had been particularly odd. First Zoe Murphy had happened to ‘bump into him’, her words, several times just to check in on him and ask if Connor had been harassing him. He insisted though that Connor had not been a problem for him aside from the first day of school.  
  
Things would resume back to normal until lunch time. He was taking his usual route, it takes longer to get to the cafeteria, but it is generally less populated. It was there an all too familiar voice called out his name.  
  
“Hansen!” Evan froze in place, he took a step, then another, slowly moving on. The sound of footsteps quickly approached him from behind. “There you are! I was kind of worried about you. I kept texting and felt terrible after I abandoned you like that, and-” Connor paused mid-sentence.  
  
“Uh,” was all Evan managed to mutter. He was worried? “I’m, uh, I’m s-s-sorry?” He didn’t intend for it to come out as an inquiry. He watched the other, unmoving, as Connor now towered before him.  
  
“Dammit, Hansen, stop apologizing, it’s not your fault. It’s…” Connor took a breath and looked away. “It’s mine. It always is mine. I’ve got a problem. I shouldn’t have left you like that and when you weren’t responding to my messages, it felt as briefly the monster within was quelled. At least for a little bit. I overreacted and was forcing the pot onto you to try it. It-”  
  
“Um, it, uh, yeah, it’s okay,” Evan mumbled out, not giving the other the chance to continue on. He averted his gaze to the blank, pale wall next to him. Unsure of what else to say.  
  
“It’s not really okay, but let me start to make it up to you?”  
  
“I-it really isn’t, um, necessary. You don’t have t-to do that.”  
  
“Well, that’s too fucking bad, Hansen, come join me for lunch.”  
  
“O-okay?” Evan flinched at what was practically a demand, but went along with it, not wanting to upset the other.  
  
Connor led him to the smattering of tables outside. People rarely sat out here, so it meant at least a modicum of privacy. It was a fine day out. The sun shone brightly, the temperature felt just right, and a slight breeze promised of early autumn.  
  
“So, are you going to, um, eat anything Connor?”  
  
“Nah, I’m good. Not really hungry.”  
  
“O-oh, o-okay.”  
  
“So, would you like to maybe meet up again this weekend? I promise to not, you know, freak out or anything again. I’d invite you over to my place, but it’s a battlefield on a daily basis.”  
  
“That should be okay, you know, um, I suppose. Mom’s not around e-enough to notice.”  
  
“I kind of wish my father was like that. It would relieve a lot of stress and tension in my life.” Evan watched anxiously as Connor produced a lighter from his jacket. Then the other pulled out a cigarette and lit it up.  
  
“It really sucks that y-you deal with that. N-not having a father and a m-mother that, uh, isn’t around much, makes things,” Evan paused, looking for how to express how it felt. “Difficult.”  
  
“What about Jared?” Evan could feel Connor’s piercing gaze through the thin veil of smoke pouring from his mouth. “Having a friend is good at least.”  
  
“Oh, s-sort of. It feels like, uh, he’s just f-friends with me because his-his parents force him to. You know?”  
  
“I don’t really understand that, but okay. Is he at least nice to you?”  
  
“For the most part. He’s not really all that bad, j-just doesn’t really fit in either. It’s just n-nice to have, um, to have someone there in general.”  
  
The two chatted on about their home life until the bell let out its piercing cry. The two parted and Evan felt a sense of relief from their conversation. Connor wasn’t going to slam him into lockers and yell again. That was a good enough start. The rest of his day went as pleasant as a school day could and it wasn’t until he climbed back into the car with Jared did conflict arise.  
  
“So, you ate with that sociopath? The guy voted ‘Most Likely To Shoot A School’ for the yearbook?” He could hear the venom in Jared’s voice. To be fair, he had enough reason to hate Connor. “Zoe mentioned Connor was hanging out with you this weekend. What were you thinking? If you wanted someone to chill with, just call me, man!”  
  
“W-well,” Evan tensed, “he just wanted to-to make up, um, for that day h-he harassed me. It’s all, um, good I guess.”  
  
“Dude, he’s a walking time bomb and you don’t want to be at ground zero when that clock runs out. Just stay away from him.” Jared dared a casual glance from the road over towards Evan.  
  
“Y-yeah, yeah, sure. He’s not so bad,” Evan mumbled out the few words.  
  
“Not so bad? What has come over you? We’ve been friends since kindergarten and he’s been there alongside us. You’ve never showed interest in him until he directs his rage at you and suddenly you’re ready to kiss and make up?”  
  
“No!” Evan blurted out, he was trembling in the seat. If not for the flare up in his anxiety he’d be furious. Jared didn’t understand. Connor understood Evan to some degree. It wasn’t pity he felt from Connor. The same feeling he got from Jared every time he had a panic attack. At least that’s what he believed. Was Connor just screwing with him or was he genuinely reaching out for someone? “He just,” a tense sigh, “he just needs s-someone I think. Um, he’s not that bad when you get to know him.”  
  
“Look, I don’t care what he says or does, you need to be careful around him, Evan. Next time you two decide to spend time together, I want to come. He just… He’s bad news. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you. Your stunt at the beginning of the year scared a lot of us.”  
  
“A-a lot?”  
  
“Okay, fine, me, your mother, and Zoe Murphy. The fact still stands, you don’t need to associate with him if he’s forcing you into it or whatever he’s planning.”  
  
“J-jared, can you, um, just g-give him the benefit of the doubt for now. I am not some ch-child that needs s-someone to hold my hand. Just trust me, p-please?” Evan gave him a pleading look. It didn’t seem to phase the other though.  
  
“I can’t make any promises man, but just be careful. You do have people that actually care about you. Here’s your house,” Jared pulled into the empty driveway. “Take it easy man, and I’ll message you later. Remember, we have a test coming up soon for anatomy.”  
  
“Yeah, th-thanks,” Evan half-heartedly offered in response as he climbed from the car and headed for his house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs reference:  
> Splendid Isolation by Warren Zevon  
> Diary of a Madman by Ozzy Osbourne  
> The Great Wall of China by Billy Joel

**Author's Note:**

> Also, the opening lyrics and title of the prologue are from Rush's "The Pass" (Presto). Hope the use of a song title and lyric aren't cliché or trite. One often finds music to help be expressive and convey a mood or feeling.


End file.
